Hey mom
I've lied to you a lot in the past. A whole heck of a lot. Some lies I've come clean on, but definitely not all.
One of those lies has been about the nature of a few of my "friendships" - the truth is, Finch and I are both polyamorous, and we've had a lot of partners together. Remember Julian? We dated for a bit. Rah? Same dealio, but it didn't last too long. Sammy? Absolutely. A few other people I never introduced you to? Heck yeah.
But I'm also incredibly worried. You would think with all these partners I would have some idea of what love is, what love is not, and what constitutes a healthy relationship, right? One would hope?
Another truth, I don't know those things. I barely even know what my own happiness feels like. I know what it's like to feel bad, I have lots of experience feeling very very bad, but I guess I don't really know what it means to feel fulfilled. Frankly, I don't feel like I have a purpose - for a while I tried making my purpose be to make any of my partners as good as they can be, but I've somewhat failed at that. Lately I've been trying to do as much good in the world as possible, but I can't really do that without starving.
I've been thinking of ending my life, because I feel like I can't do anything, and any choice I make has bad consequences.
Finch and Sammy are breaking up, and Finch does not want to live with Sammy any more. Finch has made it very clear that it's either them or Sammy. If I choose Finch, I leave Sammy homeless and 200 miles from her family. If I choose Sammy, I lose my fiancee for a girl who's almost as bad as I am. If I choose neither, I worry I'll lose both.
I don't know what to do.
And I also worry that it won't matter. I worry that I don't know what love or a good relationship is, or what true happiness feels like. I worry because I feel numb all the time. I worry
I just worry.
So, I don't know what emotions are and I don't know which terrible choice to pick. I don't even think anybody will read this message. It's probably for the better.
I guess I just needed a bit of an outlet, but I still don't know where to go. I'm scared.